So now what?  Move out? Make him move out?  Either way, he’s fucked since he has no car and no money.  Why do I care?  Because I love him….

Dammit!

New job starting soon.  I’m pretty excited about getting the chance to finally use my IT skills.  The other part of it, the case manager part?  Well, we’ll see what happens with that.  Not too sure about that, but at least the boss is a friend and has already told me that they’ll keep moving me until we find the perfect spot for me.  Dunno that I want to manage a bunch of people, but who knows?  I may find that I just love it.  At least I won’t be getting thrown out to sink or swim.

So, I brought him back up here.  First month was pretty awesome.  Now, it seems that we’re back to where we were before.  Distant with me again, no sex unless I bitch about it.  Seriously thinking of picking up some nsa, but it’s not what I really want.  What I really want is for him to want me as much as I want him.  I really don’t think that will happen though.  And of course, who is now single?  The ex, and of course she’s doing all this crazy shit to get him to come back home.  Which I think he will.  I really think she will continue to make his life miserable until he says, “Fuck it,” and gets on a plane to go back to her.  I don’t think he’ll really want to, but I don’t think he’ll have much choice in the matter, unless he just completely cuts her out of his life, and he’s already told me that if he does, she’s bitch enough to cut off his contact with her daughters.  What a childish, selfish woman she is.  I have told him that I don’t know that I wish to continue to be part of this weird three-way drama, and I don’t.  So how much more am I going to take of it?  I guess that remains to be seen.  As much as I’d like to call it done right now, apparently my heart is saying other things.  So, I guess in the meantime, I’ll focus on this huge career change, and play the ‘wait-n-see’ game with him.  But not for too much longer, though ~

Still hard to believe that I sold everything as fast as I did.  Thank you Lord, for your help with that.  No way could stuff have sold that quick without God’s hand in it somewhere.  Now, to figure out what’s next in my world.  Already replaced the vehicle (really miss the Expedition though), got a place to live, replaced the electronic toys, etc.  Next step is to find a job, which I’m working on.  Dunno if I’ll be able to get a decent bartending job, but I’m trying.  Quick way to get money, which will give me other options.  Really thinking on the truck driving thing, but if I’m going to drive truck for the pipeline build, I should be driving now, or very soon so I can get my rookie shit out of the way.  I think that if I bartend til September, I’ll have enough money to do the truck driving school then start looking for work in that direction.  Not many bartending years left in me; bar managers don’t much care for old people workin’ their bar.  I think I can get one more season out of it though.

Dave.  Part of why I did what I did with selling everything was to get him out of my life.  Send him back to his ex so they could be together as they seemed to want to be.  Now, I’m flying him up here to be with me.  Sometimes the heart does some really weird shit when the head ain’t paying attention.

My hopes with this?  That he really will be all about me this time.  That we’ll be a couple in love and putting a life together.  That I will mean as much to him as he does to me.

My fears?  That he’s still in love with her.  That when her marriage falls apart (as it will), he will look at me and say, “Well, thanks for the ride.  It’s been fun, but I’m going back to her now that she’s free.”

How to deal with that?  First of all, I am a much better woman than she is, so why would he want to go back to her?  She’s little more than a piece of ass that cant’ even take care of herself; had to marry the first thing that came along and offered her the sun and the moon.  Nevermind that he can’t give that to her, or much of anything else from what I understand.  She isn’t even raising her kids.  That pisses me off.  What kind of mother walks away from her kids and lets the grandmother raise them?  Especially with all the health and mental issues that these kids have?  Pretty shitty mother, if you ask me.  That’s incredibly sad to me that one of her daughters has been raised so poorly by the grandmother that she now needs surgery to get her weight under control (at the age of thirteen, no less!)  What kind of person is she, to allow that to happen right under her nose, and not even care that it’s happening?

I need to keep in the front of my mind the fact that even though I put him on a bus and sent him home, he started looking for work up here.  He never walked away from me like I did him.  He’s stayed pretty steady the entire time.  Always a phone call or I.M. away.  No, he hasn’t told me that he loves me, but I think it’s there.  I think I might be hearing it soon.  Not too many men that will brave the extreme conditions we have up here for just a casual piece of ass, so there’s gotta be something more on his end.  Just scared to say it?  Let’s think positive instead of all the jealous crap, and start being as steady for him as he is for me.

I’m finally ready to let Jim’s truck go.  I’ve held on to it all this time because I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else owning it and driving it.  But I can finally let it go.  I imagine it’ll sell pretty quick; it’s a damn good truck.  That will also give me some much needed cash to get back on top of the bills again.

I ended up turning down the waitressing job in favor of a bartending job instead.  More pay, better tips, right?  I may have made the wrong choice.  The bar manager is a total, complete ass.  No matter what I do, it’s not right, not enough.  Then there’s the  racial slurs.  He tosses around the ‘N’ word like it’s candy in front of the customers, no less.  I can tell by the look on the customers’ faces (what few there are) that they hate his talk too.  Although I was originally hired to work Saturday nights, the day after I started, he took away Saturday nights and gave me the opening shift on Saturday instead.  I figured I’d try it; what a miserable shift.  I had two customers in six hours for a total of $5 in tips.  I could’ve worked the catering job instead and made much more.  I think that this week I’ll tell him I’m not available for Saturday and work the party instead.  Most all of the customers that did come in last week said pretty much the same thing – he’s an asshole.  They’ve told me that there’s been a huge turnover in the dayshift bartender, and I understand why.  The verbal assault is awful and it goes on non-stop for six long hours.  I think I will work this week, see what happens, and if it’s the same with the lack of customers and tips, I’m done there.  I’ll see if I can’t get the manager at the dinnerhouse to give me another chance.  Pay per hour is less, but I’m sure the tips are more, plus I won’t have to put up with the constant comments about minorities.

Just like I was hoping, I finally got callbacks.  I also picked up one definite and one maybe new client.  Starting next week I go from almost zero to sixty.  Is ok, though; I’m real tired of stressing over how to pay the bills.  One of the jobs is waitressing at a very fancy dinnerhouse here in town, so hopefully there will be big tips

I have 11 days to pay the electric or it gets shut off, truck payment is due in 6 days, yada yada yada.  Somehow I know it will all get taken care of.  I just gotta stay positive and most importantly, DO NOT DISCONNECT and DO NOT SABOTAGE MYSELF AGAIN (note to self).

Still bitterly cold.  Forecast says we’re supposed to warm up to -10 or warmer this weekend (shorts and tee-shirt weather, woo).  Dog will be happy about that; she’s been cooped up in the house for two weeks now.  Goes out long enough to do her business, then straight back into the house.  I’ve been filling her kong toy with peanut butter and putting it outside for a few minutes to freeze it.  Gives her some type of activity anyway.  Kinda funny watching her try to do her business with three feet off the ground, but I’m sure it’s quite painful for her too.

Had a moose run through the yard today.  I opened the door to put some trash out and heard Abbie’s aerial run go zing!  Think the moose tried to clothesline herself trying to get away from the house.  Good thing she didn’t as the aerial is hooked to the front porch post.  I would have definitely lost the porch.

Still nothing on the job front.  Sucks ~

Still, I have my blessings, however small they may be.  I still have running water, my truck started today, and the stove is heating the house to 62.  A bit cold for indoor temps, but at least it’s above freezing.  I put 30 gals. of fuel in the tank the other day, so I should be good for at least a week, longer if we could just get a break in the weather.

Still nothing on the job front.  I must have over 20 apps out around town, so eventually someone’s gotta call.  I just want (NEED) that call sooner, rather than later.

Speaking of the truck, I am finally going to get it winterized today.  Won’t be 100% winterized, but at least I’ll be able to stop taking the auto-start to bed and setting the alarm for every three hours so I can start it.

I’m relearning that the best way to get my head out of its’ negative space is to go and help someone else that’s in a worse spot.  To that end, I’ve found a few forums on grief, and it has brought me some comfort to read posts there of folks just starting their grief journey and know that I am much farther down that path.  I can respond to their cries for help, give them comfort of some type, and hopefully help them at least a little bit on their journey.  In the process of doing that, it makes me realize that I am ok, just continuing on my own twisted path to healing.  Yeah, I’m lonely, sometimes desparately so, but at the same time I am not looking for anyone.  I just don’t have to energy to deal with another relationship, not to mention the fact that it seems that everyone I’ve ever cared for has died.  Really makes a person skittish to jump back into the relatioship pool with a record like that.

Despite the fact that it’s almost 50 below, my weather feed states that we are also having light drizzle.

Can someone explain this?  Anyway, it’s a damn good laugh, if nothing else!

Wishin’ I were on the beach with a six-pack, listening to the waves rollin’ in instead of hoping and praying that the damn Toyo will stay runnin!

What should have been a bright, shiny new start in June has turned into something ugly, but that is, of course, my fault.  I seem to have a talent for sabotaging any sucess I attain, and disconnecting from the world.  Right now I am connected to my world and what’s going on in it, but it’s a struggle to stay there.  To stay focused and working towards my goals.  I feel the siren song of disconnection very strongly and it’s hard to ignore.  My fantasy world is so much better than the real world, and having indulged in that fantasy world for so long, it almost seems more real than the real world.  But it’s not, and I’ve been waking up with one thought uppermost in my mind every day lately ~ I will not disconnect!  At least not until after all the errands and chores and real world stuff have been tended to for the day.  It sounds like an easy thing, but it is in fact a constant battle.

Been doing the -40 thing for almost a week.  This cabin is not weatherproofed like I had been led to believe, and it is freakin’ cold!  It is colder this year than what it normally is; haven’t done this cold this early in the winter since 1989 from what I hear.  It’s usually the end of January to mid-February before we drop below -35 for an extended period of time, so it’ll be interesting to see what the temps. will be then.  My un-winterized truck is still running, thank God.  I was at a friend’s house on Saturday and they were talking about using tarps to cover the engine and wheelwell to keep some heat in.  I didn’t think a tarp could really make that much difference; I mean really, it’s only a thing piece of plastic, right?  I decided to give it a try on my rig, couldn’t hurt, and wow! what a difference it makes.  Instead of my engine screaming in pain and all my belts trying to break whenever I start the thing, the tarp seems to hold in enough heat so the truck sounds like it’s trying to start at more like -15.  Huge difference!  Funny how I’ve lived up here for 16 years, saw other people using tarps and blankets on their rigs in the winter, and scoffed at the idea that it could possibly matter.  Guess even sourdoughs can learn a thing or two.

Milestone day, I guess you could call it.  The house is being auctioned today.  I have managed to talk myself out of going to the auction.  That would send me back to a disconnected state sooo fast, and I don’t want that.  It’s time to let it go and move on.  I have a goal of leaving here, and I really think it’s a good one.  Who knows?  I may hate the Lower 48 and scurry back up here, but for now it feels like the right direction to go in.  To be around family, to know that it’s possible to spend holidays and special days with them (far more possible than it is up here) is something I crave.  Never used to, but it’s there now.

So today, I will go to the welfare office and beg for whatever help they can give me to keep my electric on and food on the table, then stop by a couple of the bars I have apps in and see if they need a bartender tonight.  It being New Year’s Eve, ya can’t have enough help in my opinion.  A couple of the places that I applied at last week are in desparate need of a bartender, so let’s call it being in the right place at the right time.  Plus it’s far better than spending the night alone.  It’s hard to compete with the young, skinny pretties that most bars prefer, but I have what they don’t ~ years of experience.  That’s what you need on huge party nights like this, not firm boobies and an unlined face.  That don’t serve the drinks fast.

Stay positive, and STAY CONNECTED!