March 3, 2010
Yeah, so it ain’t gonna work with him. Seems that all we do is fuss and fight, especially when we’re drinking. He has absolutely no sense of financial responsibility either. I mean, granted, I don’t have much, but I’m trying. With him, he gets his check and it’s freakin party time til the money’s gone, leaving a week to get through with nothing for gas or food. I am really trying hard to become more financially responsible, but he makes it almost impossible to do so when he looks at me, smiles and says, “Baby, let’s go find beer-thirty.”
So now what? Move out? Make him move out? Either way, he’s fucked since he has no car and no money. Why do I care? Because I love him….
Dammit!
March 2, 2010
Beginning of March. A lot has been accomplished in such a short time. Got a job bartending. It was originally supposed to be an Asst. F&B manager, but the manager quite obviously lied to me when she said she wanted to bring me on to train as her second-in-command. That kinda hurts, but perhaps it’s for the best. My body just isn’t dealing with the physical demands of the job like I need it to. The worst part of the whole thing is the way she treats me. So rude and abrupt with me all the time, and I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve it. Yeah, I made mistakes, but that’s to be expected when you’re not even trained, just thrown out there to sink or swim. Eh, it’s all good.
New job starting soon. I’m pretty excited about getting the chance to finally use my IT skills. The other part of it, the case manager part? Well, we’ll see what happens with that. Not too sure about that, but at least the boss is a friend and has already told me that they’ll keep moving me until we find the perfect spot for me. Dunno that I want to manage a bunch of people, but who knows? I may find that I just love it. At least I won’t be getting thrown out to sink or swim.
So, I brought him back up here. First month was pretty awesome. Now, it seems that we’re back to where we were before. Distant with me again, no sex unless I bitch about it. Seriously thinking of picking up some nsa, but it’s not what I really want. What I really want is for him to want me as much as I want him. I really don’t think that will happen though. And of course, who is now single? The ex, and of course she’s doing all this crazy shit to get him to come back home. Which I think he will. I really think she will continue to make his life miserable until he says, “Fuck it,” and gets on a plane to go back to her. I don’t think he’ll really want to, but I don’t think he’ll have much choice in the matter, unless he just completely cuts her out of his life, and he’s already told me that if he does, she’s bitch enough to cut off his contact with her daughters. What a childish, selfish woman she is. I have told him that I don’t know that I wish to continue to be part of this weird three-way drama, and I don’t. So how much more am I going to take of it? I guess that remains to be seen. As much as I’d like to call it done right now, apparently my heart is saying other things. So, I guess in the meantime, I’ll focus on this huge career change, and play the ‘wait-n-see’ game with him. But not for too much longer, though ~
January 14, 2010
I am an amazing person. Just under a month ago I was sitting in a parking lot in Bremerton, WA, broke, unhappy with the direction my life was going in. Now here it is, the middle of January, and I am back home making a fresh start. Not too happy with where I had to land, but as Dorothy always said, “There’s no place like home.”
Still hard to believe that I sold everything as fast as I did. Thank you Lord, for your help with that. No way could stuff have sold that quick without God’s hand in it somewhere. Now, to figure out what’s next in my world. Already replaced the vehicle (really miss the Expedition though), got a place to live, replaced the electronic toys, etc. Next step is to find a job, which I’m working on. Dunno if I’ll be able to get a decent bartending job, but I’m trying. Quick way to get money, which will give me other options. Really thinking on the truck driving thing, but if I’m going to drive truck for the pipeline build, I should be driving now, or very soon so I can get my rookie shit out of the way. I think that if I bartend til September, I’ll have enough money to do the truck driving school then start looking for work in that direction. Not many bartending years left in me; bar managers don’t much care for old people workin’ their bar. I think I can get one more season out of it though.
Dave. Part of why I did what I did with selling everything was to get him out of my life. Send him back to his ex so they could be together as they seemed to want to be. Now, I’m flying him up here to be with me. Sometimes the heart does some really weird shit when the head ain’t paying attention.
My hopes with this? That he really will be all about me this time. That we’ll be a couple in love and putting a life together. That I will mean as much to him as he does to me.
My fears? That he’s still in love with her. That when her marriage falls apart (as it will), he will look at me and say, “Well, thanks for the ride. It’s been fun, but I’m going back to her now that she’s free.”
How to deal with that? First of all, I am a much better woman than she is, so why would he want to go back to her? She’s little more than a piece of ass that cant’ even take care of herself; had to marry the first thing that came along and offered her the sun and the moon. Nevermind that he can’t give that to her, or much of anything else from what I understand. She isn’t even raising her kids. That pisses me off. What kind of mother walks away from her kids and lets the grandmother raise them? Especially with all the health and mental issues that these kids have? Pretty shitty mother, if you ask me. That’s incredibly sad to me that one of her daughters has been raised so poorly by the grandmother that she now needs surgery to get her weight under control (at the age of thirteen, no less!) What kind of person is she, to allow that to happen right under her nose, and not even care that it’s happening?
I need to keep in the front of my mind the fact that even though I put him on a bus and sent him home, he started looking for work up here. He never walked away from me like I did him. He’s stayed pretty steady the entire time. Always a phone call or I.M. away. No, he hasn’t told me that he loves me, but I think it’s there. I think I might be hearing it soon. Not too many men that will brave the extreme conditions we have up here for just a casual piece of ass, so there’s gotta be something more on his end. Just scared to say it? Let’s think positive instead of all the jealous crap, and start being as steady for him as he is for me.
January 19, 2009
Last week was crazy busy; this week will be the same. Much better than sittin’ around waiting for utilities to get shut off though…
I ended up turning down the waitressing job in favor of a bartending job instead. More pay, better tips, right? I may have made the wrong choice. The bar manager is a total, complete ass. No matter what I do, it’s not right, not enough. Then there’s the racial slurs. He tosses around the ‘N’ word like it’s candy in front of the customers, no less. I can tell by the look on the customers’ faces (what few there are) that they hate his talk too. Although I was originally hired to work Saturday nights, the day after I started, he took away Saturday nights and gave me the opening shift on Saturday instead. I figured I’d try it; what a miserable shift. I had two customers in six hours for a total of $5 in tips. I could’ve worked the catering job instead and made much more. I think that this week I’ll tell him I’m not available for Saturday and work the party instead. Most all of the customers that did come in last week said pretty much the same thing – he’s an asshole. They’ve told me that there’s been a huge turnover in the dayshift bartender, and I understand why. The verbal assault is awful and it goes on non-stop for six long hours. I think I will work this week, see what happens, and if it’s the same with the lack of customers and tips, I’m done there. I’ll see if I can’t get the manager at the dinnerhouse to give me another chance. Pay per hour is less, but I’m sure the tips are more, plus I won’t have to put up with the constant comments about minorities.
January 9, 2009
Finally~
Just like I was hoping, I finally got callbacks. I also picked up one definite and one maybe new client. Starting next week I go from almost zero to sixty. Is ok, though; I’m real tired of stressing over how to pay the bills. One of the jobs is waitressing at a very fancy dinnerhouse here in town, so hopefully there will be big tips 
I have 11 days to pay the electric or it gets shut off, truck payment is due in 6 days, yada yada yada. Somehow I know it will all get taken care of. I just gotta stay positive and most importantly, DO NOT DISCONNECT and DO NOT SABOTAGE MYSELF AGAIN (note to self).
January 7, 2009
I have stupid head going on. Started Zoloft last night, and today my head is full of slushy mud. Or perhaps ice fog. Who knows at this point. I’ll give it a couple of weeks to start working. After that, if it ain’t workin’ I ain’t takin’ it anymore. Anti-depressants can be a good thing, but the loss of the quick mind and fast thinking is tough to deal with. Of course, having a mind that is quiet instead of in perpetual panic mode is fantastic.
Still bitterly cold. Forecast says we’re supposed to warm up to -10 or warmer this weekend (shorts and tee-shirt weather, woo). Dog will be happy about that; she’s been cooped up in the house for two weeks now. Goes out long enough to do her business, then straight back into the house. I’ve been filling her kong toy with peanut butter and putting it outside for a few minutes to freeze it. Gives her some type of activity anyway. Kinda funny watching her try to do her business with three feet off the ground, but I’m sure it’s quite painful for her too.
Had a moose run through the yard today. I opened the door to put some trash out and heard Abbie’s aerial run go zing! Think the moose tried to clothesline herself trying to get away from the house. Good thing she didn’t as the aerial is hooked to the front porch post. I would have definitely lost the porch.
Still nothing on the job front. Sucks ~
January 3, 2009
Still freakin’ cold! I’ve seen cold spells up here before, but never this early in the winter and for so long…
Still, I have my blessings, however small they may be. I still have running water, my truck started today, and the stove is heating the house to 62. A bit cold for indoor temps, but at least it’s above freezing. I put 30 gals. of fuel in the tank the other day, so I should be good for at least a week, longer if we could just get a break in the weather.
Still nothing on the job front. I must have over 20 apps out around town, so eventually someone’s gotta call. I just want (NEED) that call sooner, rather than later.
Speaking of the truck, I am finally going to get it winterized today. Won’t be 100% winterized, but at least I’ll be able to stop taking the auto-start to bed and setting the alarm for every three hours so I can start it.
I’m relearning that the best way to get my head out of its’ negative space is to go and help someone else that’s in a worse spot. To that end, I’ve found a few forums on grief, and it has brought me some comfort to read posts there of folks just starting their grief journey and know that I am much farther down that path. I can respond to their cries for help, give them comfort of some type, and hopefully help them at least a little bit on their journey. In the process of doing that, it makes me realize that I am ok, just continuing on my own twisted path to healing. Yeah, I’m lonely, sometimes desparately so, but at the same time I am not looking for anyone. I just don’t have to energy to deal with another relationship, not to mention the fact that it seems that everyone I’ve ever cared for has died. Really makes a person skittish to jump back into the relatioship pool with a record like that.
