January 19, 2009

Last week was crazy busy; this week will be the same.  Much better than sittin’ around waiting for utilities to get shut off though…

I ended up turning down the waitressing job in favor of a bartending job instead.  More pay, better tips, right?  I may have made the wrong choice.  The bar manager is a total, complete ass.  No matter what I do, it’s not right, not enough.  Then there’s the  racial slurs.  He tosses around the ‘N’ word like it’s candy in front of the customers, no less.  I can tell by the look on the customers’ faces (what few there are) that they hate his talk too.  Although I was originally hired to work Saturday nights, the day after I started, he took away Saturday nights and gave me the opening shift on Saturday instead.  I figured I’d try it; what a miserable shift.  I had two customers in six hours for a total of $5 in tips.  I could’ve worked the catering job instead and made much more.  I think that this week I’ll tell him I’m not available for Saturday and work the party instead.  Most all of the customers that did come in last week said pretty much the same thing – he’s an asshole.  They’ve told me that there’s been a huge turnover in the dayshift bartender, and I understand why.  The verbal assault is awful and it goes on non-stop for six long hours.  I think I will work this week, see what happens, and if it’s the same with the lack of customers and tips, I’m done there.  I’ll see if I can’t get the manager at the dinnerhouse to give me another chance.  Pay per hour is less, but I’m sure the tips are more, plus I won’t have to put up with the constant comments about minorities.

January 9, 2009

Finally~

Just like I was hoping, I finally got callbacks.  I also picked up one definite and one maybe new client.  Starting next week I go from almost zero to sixty.  Is ok, though; I’m real tired of stressing over how to pay the bills.  One of the jobs is waitressing at a very fancy dinnerhouse here in town, so hopefully there will be big tips

I have 11 days to pay the electric or it gets shut off, truck payment is due in 6 days, yada yada yada.  Somehow I know it will all get taken care of.  I just gotta stay positive and most importantly, DO NOT DISCONNECT and DO NOT SABOTAGE MYSELF AGAIN (note to self).

January 7, 2009

I have stupid head going on.  Started Zoloft last night, and today my head is full of slushy mud.  Or perhaps ice fog.  Who knows at this point.  I’ll give it a couple of weeks to start working.  After that, if it ain’t workin’ I ain’t takin’ it anymore.  Anti-depressants can be a good thing, but the loss of the quick mind and fast thinking is tough to deal with.  Of course, having a mind that is quiet instead of in perpetual panic mode is fantastic.

Still bitterly cold.  Forecast says we’re supposed to warm up to -10 or warmer this weekend (shorts and tee-shirt weather, woo).  Dog will be happy about that; she’s been cooped up in the house for two weeks now.  Goes out long enough to do her business, then straight back into the house.  I’ve been filling her kong toy with peanut butter and putting it outside for a few minutes to freeze it.  Gives her some type of activity anyway.  Kinda funny watching her try to do her business with three feet off the ground, but I’m sure it’s quite painful for her too.

Had a moose run through the yard today.  I opened the door to put some trash out and heard Abbie’s aerial run go zing!  Think the moose tried to clothesline herself trying to get away from the house.  Good thing she didn’t as the aerial is hooked to the front porch post.  I would have definitely lost the porch.

Still nothing on the job front.  Sucks ~

January 3, 2009

Still freakin’ cold!  I’ve seen cold spells up here before, but never this early in the winter and for so long…

Still, I have my blessings, however small they may be.  I still have running water, my truck started today, and the stove is heating the house to 62.  A bit cold for indoor temps, but at least it’s above freezing.  I put 30 gals. of fuel in the tank the other day, so I should be good for at least a week, longer if we could just get a break in the weather.

Still nothing on the job front.  I must have over 20 apps out around town, so eventually someone’s gotta call.  I just want (NEED) that call sooner, rather than later.

Speaking of the truck, I am finally going to get it winterized today.  Won’t be 100% winterized, but at least I’ll be able to stop taking the auto-start to bed and setting the alarm for every three hours so I can start it.

I’m relearning that the best way to get my head out of its’ negative space is to go and help someone else that’s in a worse spot.  To that end, I’ve found a few forums on grief, and it has brought me some comfort to read posts there of folks just starting their grief journey and know that I am much farther down that path.  I can respond to their cries for help, give them comfort of some type, and hopefully help them at least a little bit on their journey.  In the process of doing that, it makes me realize that I am ok, just continuing on my own twisted path to healing.  Yeah, I’m lonely, sometimes desparately so, but at the same time I am not looking for anyone.  I just don’t have to energy to deal with another relationship, not to mention the fact that it seems that everyone I’ve ever cared for has died.  Really makes a person skittish to jump back into the relatioship pool with a record like that.