Monday, October 27, 2008

Two years ago today ~

It was two years ago today that I brought my husband home with all these false hopes and promises ringing in my head.  I despise the medical profession today for giving me all that false hope.  Far better for them to have told me up front, “Sorry ma’am, but your husband is going to die, and soon.  Go home and just love him.  Take a trip, watch the sunset.  Don’t worry about radiation or chemo; it won’t fix him, it will in fact make him worse.  You won’t be able to talk with him, he’ll be busy puking his guts out in the toilet.  You won’t be able to lay in bed and hold him because the steroids are going to fuck up his brain worse than it is with tumors living in it, and he won’t like you anymore, or even know who you are.  We just want a chance to make some money from this, so if you want to help us out, make him take the treatments.”

God, will this ever end?

Better now

This month is finally almost over, thank God.  I think I will always dread the month of October.

I’m averaging about one new client a week with the business, which is pretty cool.  Not really doing any high-speed advertising, just handing out business cards and putting up flyers around town.  I did go to the air force base to get on their cleaners’ list, and low and behold, I got a call for a move-out clean the next day!  It was then that I realized that I kinda forgot to go to the Housing office to find out what they expect from cleaners.  Fortunately, I was able to put off my estimate with the gal until Monday afternoon, giving me plenty of time to get to Housing and talk to some folks.

I went and did an estimate on this guys house yesterday.  Typical Alaskan crap hole to live in; not sure why he wants a cleaner.  Took less than a minute to ‘tour’ his house.  I gave him my weekly price, at which point he asks, “So, do you know Karen D?”  Nope, sure don’t, I told him.  He was like, huh, well she says she knows all the cleaners in the area.  Like that’s a really important factor in my world.  Quite obviously, she doesn’t know all the cleaners in town, since we don’t know each other.  Apparently, this was pretty important to him, though, as I never got the call yesterday to clean for him.  I think it’s ok, though; he kinda creeped me out anyway.  That’s one of the vulnerabilities with this job; you’re going into stangers’ houses to clean for them, and pretty much anything could happen.  I have a very good gut instinct that I rely on when I meet a prospective client.

We’ve been doing a bit of cold lately; getting down below zero at night.  Cabin seems to be doing ok with staying warm.  First winter and all, I’m a bit worried as to how well it will do in winter.  Other than covering the pipes and wellhead, I really didn’t do much in the winterizing department, and of course, it’s a bit late to do much now other than hope and pray that nothing breaks or freezes.

I’ve been feeling lonely lately.  Prolly has a lot to do with it being winter.  Being alone in winter is a drag.  I actually went to a couple of those online dating things the other night to look around.  Then again, I seem to still be hanging on to J and what we had, so I’m prolly not ready for anything yet.  I suppose I could start hanging out in bars again, but I really don’t want to.  All I’m doing with the bar scene is playing darts once a week, and I’m seriously considering giving even that up.  On the other hand, if I do, then I’ll have no avenue to get out the door, and at least this gets me out once a week and socializing with adult(?) humans, instead of hanging out with the cats and dog all the time.  I’ve never been such a homebody before, but this place feels so comfortable, most of the time I don’t want to leave.  Strange to feel that way; I’ve never experienced it before in my life.  Always, the place I lived was somewhere to crash; life was lived elsewhere.  Not so this time.

So, I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, and not worry about whether or not there’s someone out there.  If there is, I guess he’ll just have to come up and knock on the door, cause this whole dating thing is just too confusing at this point.

Almost two years

It’s been almost two years since that awful trip first by ambulance, then by medi-vac to a diagnosis that would forever change our lives.  It’s really been gnawing at me the last couple of days, enough that I found my wedding rings (and his) and put them back on again.  For whatever reason, wearing them seems to give a measure of comfort.  Of course, they are also a visual reminder of what I’ve lost.

I am so tired of grief.  Every time I think I’ve finally left it behind, it sneaks up on me again.  I think that this time it’s because of the business.  It’s starting to take off, got three clients already in less than two weeks, and I really, really want to share the success with him.  But that’s not an option, and I have to keep reminding myself of that cold, hard fact over and over until it’s driven home.  Again.

This really sucks…


Monday, September 13

Ok, I made it.  Where a couple of weeks ago I was going to bed at 7am, this morning I got up at that time.  I feel drunk or high ~ lightheaded.  That’ll pass as my body re-adjusts to being a day person I suppose, but what a freakin’ process it is.

Crazy weekend; first we had Chinook winds, which was very timely.  I was able to thaw the camper and get it winterized finally as it got up to 50F.  Most all the snow melted in the two days of the chinook, so of course what’s after that?  Big snowstorm yesterday, enough to make all the roads absolute crap.  Definitely not a day for Cheechakos to be driving.  And today?  Why, it’s a balmy 12F out there course.

By the way, the website that I linked to for Cheechakos has some really cool definitions that Alaskans use on a regular basis.  Now you can learn to speak my language.

So, I had all these plans for today; make flyers, distribute them around town, get the website built, etc.  I’m having a hard enough time right now just staying awake, let alone be creative, that I’ve modified my day.  Oh, and let’s not forget the crap roads out there; not a good time to be traipsing around.  So, instead I’ll go do laundry and trash run, and call it good for today.  Hopefully I won’t slide off the road in the process, as I’m running the diesel today.

Finally got pics of the new grandaughter; lemme know if you want to see them (family only please; that includes you, M), I’ll email you.

Ok, off to brave these crappy roads; wish me luck or something…

Same day, but later…

So, I got the errands done.  Didn’t fall off the road, and it was actually quite pleasant to see all the other drivers out there forced to be courteous because of the road conditions.  No screaming down the road at 80mph or blowing through stop signs today.  Nothing like snowy roads to make all the 4WD vehicles king instead of the zippy little go cars.  Nope, they’re the ones sitting at home (or in the ditch if they’re stupid and can’t slow down) while the rest of us just throw it in 4WD and go.

I’ve also had another small victory today.  As badly as I wanted to, I did not nap at all today.  I will be more than ready for bed at 10pm tonight, that’s for sure, which means that I’ll be up and at’em early tomorrow.  Good thing as I’ve got my first customer!!  Yay!!

October 7, 2008

So very busy.  Got a potential client (yay!) and I’ve been handing out business cards like crazy the last few days.  Now I gotta get the website up, plus make flyers.  Exciting!

I took down all the things that made the house dark to I could sleep during the day.  It had the intended effect; I wasn’t able to sleep past 9:30 this am.  I have sooo much to do this week~

  • Get fuel to the big house.  Tried to the other day, but my electric pump ain’t working.  I think it’s too cold to use it so I gotta hand pump the fuel.
  • Get the truck winterized.  I’m going to do all of it except the block heater to save money.  I’ll have the block heater put in professionally, then if the engine seizes, they get to pay for a new one instead of me!
  • Still moving out of the big house.  Yep, that is still going on.  I do have everything out of the house, it’s just the garage and shed left to empty.
  • Dog kennel set up for winter
  • Camper winterized
  • House organized for real instead of just hidin’ shit in cupboards :)

And on, and on, and on…

A Touch of Clean

Oh my God, I did it.  I just purchased my business license.  Scary and so very cool.  The name of the business is the title of this post.

Now comes the hard part.  I’ve already got three clients lined up waiting for me to start.  I’ve been doing research on cleaning green, and it’s pretty obvious that I’ll need to get Green Clean Certified.  I also found a website that’s called Cleaning for a Reason.  They have housecleaning companies donate their time to help out cancer patients with their cleaning.  At this time they only offer the services to women undergoing cancer treatment.  I’d like to see that expanded to include anyone undergoing treatment.  As the spouse of someone who went through cancer treatments, I sure could’ve used something like that.  It was so stressful to take Jim to town for treatment, then come home to a house that was absolutely filthy and not have any energy left over to deal with it.  This is something very near and dear to my heart and I feel will make such a difference in cancer patients locally.  Plus it’s a way to give back some of what I received when I was on the receiving end.

Ok, off to play darts.  Woo-hoo!

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How Annoying

While I was screwing around working six nights a week, I didn’t get the cabin ready for winter.  So what happens?  I start the day with frozen pipes.  I am so pissed off right now; I just don’t know who at.

Stupid me for not setting my priorities…