Lasted two days with the driving. I guess I didn’t realize just how hard it would be to see the guy that harassed during my training every day ‘holding court’ in the driver’s lounge. Add to that the fact that a lot of my old co-workers asked me what I’d been doing for the last five years, which forced me to re-live the horror story that has been my life the last two, and you have a complete emotional train wreck on your hands. Although friends have told me over and over that it’s ok to let the job go, I’m still feeling like an utter failure. I should be stronger than this, and it really bugs me that I’m not. On the other hand, I also need to realize that trying to force myself to do what I’m obviously not ready to do would be disaster. The two days that I worked there put me right back into what I call my ‘dark ages’ of grief; where I was when J first passed away.
So, perhaps I’ll try some writing for awhile. As often as I get told that I can write, maybe I should throw my hat in the professional writing ring and see what happens. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, and the indecisiveness is driving me crazy!
I want normal again, whatever that is. Struggling to find a ‘new normal’ is damn hard work. I really kinda liked my old normal, but I can’t go back to that. Not an option.
