The Key

I knew it would happen eventually, so why did I procrastinate so long on hiding a key on the property so that if I were locked out, I could get back in the house? Arrogance, I suppose. I just knew that I wouldn’t get locked out. HA!!

Was getting ready to go to town with a friend to pick up carport for J’s truck (shoveling 8″ of snow out the back of it just to haul trash ain’t working for me). She went out the door ahead of me talking about her keys, which of course interrupted my train of thought. By the way, it doesn’t take much at all these days to have my entire train of thought completely de-railed. Next thing I knew, the front door is shut, and the keys are still hanging up in the hallway. Crap…

I did learn yesterday that unless you break a window, you will not get into my house without a key. My garage, yes, which is fortunate since my friend’s jacket was still in the house, and my garage is heated. Thankfully, I also have a couple of friends that still have spare housekeys, so after about 45 minutes one of said friends came over and unlocked the front door for me. Yeah, I got a key hidden on the property now. Sheesh….

Starting to waffle a bit on leaving Alaska. Maybe it’s not the right choice; maybe I’m supposed to stay here? I hate having to make choices like this without my husband around to give me input. I do know that I’m selling this house; too big, and I can’t get a mortgage in my name at the same interest rate that J has it in. I guess that’s why it’s recommended that no big decisions are made the first year. What feels like absolutely the right thing to do at one stage of grief can feel totally wrong a month or two later. I also think that’s why I’ve set it up so that I don’t leave for good until next spring; gives me time to really sort out if leaving Alaska is the right direction for my life.

Flirting?

Is it possible? Monday night while watching football at the bar, a kid the same age as my son actually tried to pick me up!! Of course, I turned him down, but what a much-needed ego boost, not to mention the fact that the flirting pretty effectively turned off the horror flick in my head (thank God). For a few moments I wasn’t the grieving widow or the bitch of mc, I was a person that someone else thought cute enough to flirt with. Wow…

Well, my friend M says that lots of snow is a good thing, and she is right; it does keep wells and septic systems from freezing. But does this mean that we have to get 2″ of fresh snow every week this winter?! I still hadn’t even got the back porch cleaned off from the first snow, and here we go again with more! Oh well, it does get me out from in front of the computer and moving around, which I need right now with bp readings of 144/97 a couple of weeks ago at the dr. I even went to town the other day to get gloves and a headband so I can be outside doing the snow removal (no, I didn’t have any before; didn’t need them…).

Had to explain copyright infringement to J’s daughter the other day. She had 23 of my pictures on her MySpace account, yet didn’t credit me for a single one of them. I explained to her in an email what Creative Commons licensing is, and sent her a link to the license that I use. She kinda fixed it; did a blog entry stating that I was the one that took the pictures. I could push it more, but I’ll let it go.

Got friends stopping by tomorrow. One is my godson and his mom on their way back home from the AFN Convention. Haven’t seen either of them since before the roadtrip, so that will be good. Apparently godson sings now, so maybe I can get him to sing to me while they’re here.

I am slowly getting to a better place in my head; much better than I was at the start of the week. It’s like I explained to a friend last night; sometimes with this grieving process, it’s one step forward and three steps back; at other times, it’s more like two steps forward and only one back. It is a process; it is a journey, and I am so ready to get off this roller coaster ride. But like I told him last night, I am still in a much better place in my head than I was five months ago. The progress is slow, but it’s still progress.

And that’s all that really matters in the end…

Bad Choice; Don’t do it again (Note to self)

So it finally quits snowing. I wake up this a.m. and there’s 6-7 inches of fresh snow on the ground. Some people are ecstatic when they see this much snow; it means that it’s time to get the winter play toys out and ready to go. I, on the other hand, not being a big fan of winter sports (unless they are indoor sports, like drinkin’ beer, throwing darts, and watching football), see it as work – shovels and snow blowers. My brother would be overjoyed seeing this much snow. It would be an opportunity to work in the yard.

Did I mention that those chores were J’s, not mine? Yep, they were. So, of course, I’ve never learned how to use the new snow-blower that we got three years ago. Another missed opportunity to learn how to do something while he was still alive. Oh well, can’t be that hard to use the new snow-blower, can it?

Oh yeah, it can, especially when you’ve got carpal tunnel so bad in your left hand that your hand goes numb just from simple things like washing a sinkful of dishes. Suffice it to say that wrestling a 265lb. machine around that has the capacity to easily chew off limbs is not an easy thing to do. But get it done I did, and with no one’s help. I’d called a couple of friends that have used snowblowers before, asking if they could come over and show me how to do this thing, but as is the usual these days, they both had excuses why they couldn’t. Really, if you don’t want to help a widow/er out when he or she finally calls and asks for it, please don’t f*cking offer in the first place. Sorry, but I’m just tired of the “call me if you need help with anything,” then when I do, the excuse why they can’t is so freaking transparent, I’d laugh if it didn’t hurt so much. Ok, enough of the negative.

So, end result is I got it done, the driveway is clear of snow, and my wrist hurt so bad right now that I can only type with one hand. Note to self -

Hire someone to do the damn snowblowing in the future!!!!

Alaska Day?

So it’s snowing like a bitch out there; has been for two days now. They’re saying 5-7 inches by the time it’s done, which is a lot for one snow storm up here. I have 4WD on my truck, so I head off to town on nasty, slick roads to fight the good fight with DMV. Saw a couple of vehicles go speeding past me doing better than 75MPH (damn Cheechakos), and of course saw one of them off the road sitting in a ditch about ten minutes later. Being the ‘nice’ person I am, I cheerfully honk at them as I drive by doing the much saner speed of 60MPH while they are furiously dialing the tow truck on their cell phone. Although having two military bases up here is a boon for our economy, it seems that both the Air Force and the Army like to transfer folks from places like Las Vegas and Hawaii to here right at the start of winter. People that have probably never driven in snow before, and yet they jump on the highway and take off at 75MPH+, figuring that their silly little 4WD vehicle will keep them on the road, no matter what. I have no sympathy for fools like that; they are told when they get here to slow the f&ck down, yet they don’t listen. So meanwhile us locals drive down the road in utter terror of these Cheechakos, hoping that when they take themselves out, they don’t take us out also. It usually takes 2-3 storms for them to ‘get it,’ and unfortunately it usually involves one of their friends or family members killing themselves due to excessive speed. So, anyway, driving into town to get the damn DMV stuff done, and as I pull into the parking lot, I get excited – there’s only about ten cars in the parking lot. That means quick, simple in-and-out service, right? Apparently not if it’s Alaska Day. Then DMV is closed for the ‘holiday.’

Are you kidding me!?! I drive all the way to town in this crap weather, braving Cheechakos, just to get a ‘closed for the holiday’ sign?!!!

DMV…. Ugh!!

Nothing can be simple in life, and selling ’stuff’ is no exception. I have to go to DMV today and start fighting with them over getting the title to one of J’s boats. Hopefully, it’ll be a fairly easy process (yeah, right!). If I’m not back in two days, someone please call out a rescue team – I’ll be lost somewhere in DMVland….

Anger or Lethargy? Which is Worse?

Yesterday, despite having a ‘to-do list’ that’s about two miles long, I did little more than sit on my a** and play video games and blog. Sure, I ran the dishwasher a couple of times, but for all intents and purposes, I totally wasted the day. I think I’m kinda paralyzed mentally, waiting for October to be over. October the last three years has been the bearer of bad news, and somehow I’ve got it stuck in my head that this one will be no different. That and the fact that this month has a double sadiversary, plus my first winter alone is here, is really kickin’ my butt. I suppose that although the 16+ hours of gaming was bad, it did keep me out of the bar yesterday, which is all I really wanted to do (trying to find some positive here). I’m sure that soon enough, the pendulum will swing in the other direction, and I’ll be back to angry at the world again. Really tired of the pendulum swing; just want some leveling out in the mood department. I’m also really tired of the hand (carpal tunnel) and the foot (plantar fasciitis) getting in the way of getting stuff done. It’s really very discouraging to spend a half a day working on the house, then the next two recovering from it.

Update

I have updated my sidebar. Platial MapKit is gone (didn’t work well anyway), and I’ve included a link to my photos from the trip. I know, a bit late.

But still better than not at all

I’ve also added a new page to my blog; it’s the Mourner’s Bill of Rights.