Don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad, or if it just is. Am I glad to see it go? Yeah, for the most part. Am I excited about 2009? Some parts of it, you bet. Like the whole gettin’ the hell outta here. Like the plans I have to spend Christmas 2009 with my kids and grandkids instead of alone like last year and this year.
What should have been a bright, shiny new start in June has turned into something ugly, but that is, of course, my fault. I seem to have a talent for sabotaging any sucess I attain, and disconnecting from the world. Right now I am connected to my world and what’s going on in it, but it’s a struggle to stay there. To stay focused and working towards my goals. I feel the siren song of disconnection very strongly and it’s hard to ignore. My fantasy world is so much better than the real world, and having indulged in that fantasy world for so long, it almost seems more real than the real world. But it’s not, and I’ve been waking up with one thought uppermost in my mind every day lately ~ I will not disconnect! At least not until after all the errands and chores and real world stuff have been tended to for the day. It sounds like an easy thing, but it is in fact a constant battle.
Been doing the -40 thing for almost a week. This cabin is not weatherproofed like I had been led to believe, and it is freakin’ cold! It is colder this year than what it normally is; haven’t done this cold this early in the winter since 1989 from what I hear. It’s usually the end of January to mid-February before we drop below -35 for an extended period of time, so it’ll be interesting to see what the temps. will be then. My un-winterized truck is still running, thank God. I was at a friend’s house on Saturday and they were talking about using tarps to cover the engine and wheelwell to keep some heat in. I didn’t think a tarp could really make that much difference; I mean really, it’s only a thing piece of plastic, right? I decided to give it a try on my rig, couldn’t hurt, and wow! what a difference it makes. Instead of my engine screaming in pain and all my belts trying to break whenever I start the thing, the tarp seems to hold in enough heat so the truck sounds like it’s trying to start at more like -15. Huge difference! Funny how I’ve lived up here for 16 years, saw other people using tarps and blankets on their rigs in the winter, and scoffed at the idea that it could possibly matter. Guess even sourdoughs can learn a thing or two.
Milestone day, I guess you could call it. The house is being auctioned today. I have managed to talk myself out of going to the auction. That would send me back to a disconnected state sooo fast, and I don’t want that. It’s time to let it go and move on. I have a goal of leaving here, and I really think it’s a good one. Who knows? I may hate the Lower 48 and scurry back up here, but for now it feels like the right direction to go in. To be around family, to know that it’s possible to spend holidays and special days with them (far more possible than it is up here) is something I crave. Never used to, but it’s there now.
So today, I will go to the welfare office and beg for whatever help they can give me to keep my electric on and food on the table, then stop by a couple of the bars I have apps in and see if they need a bartender tonight. It being New Year’s Eve, ya can’t have enough help in my opinion. A couple of the places that I applied at last week are in desparate need of a bartender, so let’s call it being in the right place at the right time. Plus it’s far better than spending the night alone. It’s hard to compete with the young, skinny pretties that most bars prefer, but I have what they don’t ~ years of experience. That’s what you need on huge party nights like this, not firm boobies and an unlined face. That don’t serve the drinks fast.
Stay positive, and STAY CONNECTED!
